'I can't really post on the board - hey! anyone want to come to a fake dark railway carriage with me and grope each other, it's just not the done thing...'

Hello 2011, I bring you a great thing out of context that my friend just said to me via google chat. How the devil are you all? I'm still alive, lots to tell you but because I'm desperate(ly enigmatic and mysterious) you'll just have to guess what it all is!

Happy new year!

For my birthday my best friend, Rosie bought me a subscription to a famous dating site that you have to pay actual real life money for. And blow me down, someone on this site wants to meet me in actual real life. YIKES. Help. So wasn't prepared for that. What happened to the rejection or sexual perversion? Usual occurrence fail! This guy is 35, bald, normal looking and makes science books for schools. He does seem nice though. And he once ran in front of a car to save a squirrel so you know, that pretty much means my hands are tied. I have to meet him.

However, over on the free dating site with the perverts and the arty types I am chatting to several people; a 20 yr old guy studying animation at Birmingham uni who says 'lol' after every sentence and claims he just wants to make new friends (this isn't my experience of 20 yr olds so I'll fill you in), a guy with a thick neck and tattoos who winked at me, a guy who has a pug in his profile pic but isn't appealing in any other way apart from his dog and the actual only one I'm interested in - a beautiful fragile looking Portuguese man in London who sent me a poem and draws and photographs. I have a nasty feeling, he is 'my type' - ie) he's a self-obsessed and screwed up artist, I will fall hopelessly in love with him and it will all end in PAIN. Can't wait.

Panda Boy flees & flatulence will get you no where

OK, so I continue to have no luck whatsoever on the dating site front and because I no longer partake in self mutilation, it has occurred to me that maybe I am fulfilling a self-torture need by staying on these sites to be rejected more. Whatever, it passes the time whilst the real person I am interested in ignores me.

I was chatting quite nicely with one guy who I will refer to as Panda Boy on account of the fact he is wearing a t-shirt with a panda on in his profile pic which is why I contacted him and because we had a running innuendo going about male pandas and their bamboo. He seemed nice and funny and kinda self-deprecating which is always appealing to me. It was all going along pleasantly until I realised that he hadn't actually said anything particularly romantic or suggestive to me, we were just making jokes about pandas back and forth. I thought I'd step it up a notch when he complained about no one fancying him by saying that he shouldn't worry cos he was cute. Suddenly the messages stopped and a day or so later I got one of those awful 'letting you down gently' messages about how he had just seen his ex in the street and he had decided he was still messed up and shouldn't pursue another relationship until he was sorted out etc etc.

The intense terror at what I may have been suggesting by my innocent compliment is sadly familiar to me. It is not the first time I have been dumped by someone I wasn't asking out or involved with. I emailed him back to tell him I think it's always a great idea to do work on yourself in counselling so that you don't take the same baggage and patterns into your next relationship and screw the next person up. He sent me back a cartoon of a lion. After this you would presume that he would delete his account and go off to analysis but of course, it was all total bullshit based on him not wanting to be involved with me personally cos he's still online and still available. Maybe in a few months I'll email him and ask him how his self growth is going and whether the intense work he did on himself in therapy was effective...

On the plus side, I did get this message today from a 40 year old in Oxford:

'Hi, I hope you don't mind me asking i have an unusual question.....my intention isn't to offend I'm just curious what you'd do. If you was really attracted to a guy really liked him but he told you he was submissive........and asked you to sit on his face and break wind would you do it?'

Someone kill me.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/fdad05b8c7/2-girls-1-cup-song-from-jon-lajoie?rel=player

Hey, the poop guy's gone but I did see this video which has reminded me of the wonderful moments we spent together. xx

The poop guy's back. Messaged me this morning:
Poop Guy: 'wow, I'd eat your poop if you ordered me to'.
Me: 'so you keep telling me'
Him: 'Oh sorry, I didn't realise I'd told you so many times'
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Faeces fetishists have to say sorry a lot I imagine.

Three Cross-Dressers & A 23 Year Old

When I first started internet dating I mistakenly thought you had to treat people with respect and care about their feelings. This isn't the case, as I have discovered by being ceremoniously ignored by people I thought seemed appealing and sent messages to. This is why I have found myself in contact with three cross dressers that I wouldn't have replied to had they been men with no desire to wear a dress of a Friday night and one 23 year old who is clearly insane.

Something about me screamed 'person who'd understand' at the three cross-dressers that contacted me. And in many respects they were right cos I love a man in a dress and make up as much as the next woman, just so long as the dress in question isn't a twin set from M&S. All three of the men who contacted me were middle-aged men who appeared to be wearing their dead mother's clothes. Or someone else's dead mother's clothes from Oxfam. Because I didn't want any of them to think I wasn't replying to them because of disgust for their lifestyle choice I now inadvertantly have 3 middle-aged cross dressing men as pen pals - Wendy, Yvonne and Paula. Wendy wants to know what I'm thinking all the time cos my profile picture makes me look 'lost in thought', I tell him that I'm thinking of love gone by, actually I'm thinking of a documentary I once saw about a woman who became like a mother to a community of cross dressing men and gave them fashion advice and threw wig parties and advised them on make up and relationships. I am wondering if I am a few stilletoed men away from becoming her myself.

Oh and the 23 year old. Here's how it went:
Him: 'hello, I'm not very confident, I don't usually contact people but I had to contact you, etc etc'
Me: oh what a shame, he's too young for me but he's not very confident so I'd better not ignore him 'hello, you're really sweet but I'm looking for someone more in their early thirties'
Him; 'oh how HILARIOUS, you think I want to DATE you! No no no no no no no NO. I don't want to in the slightest, I'm so amused that you thought this'
Me: 'um, sorry - I don't normally go around assuming men want to date me, quite the opposite but what with this being a dating site and all I misunderstood your message'
Him: 'Oh this is so funny cos you thought I wanted to date you and I don't, I mean you're THIRTY, ha ha ha ha, no way'
Me: 'thanks, keep telling me you don't want to date me, I'm enjoying it, it's like not being on a dating site and just being me in the world as I was anyway'
Him: 'ha ha ha ha ha, I so don't want to date you, I can't believe you thought that...anyway, would you like to go for a drink next week?'
Me: 'Oh go on then, you've pursuaded me...I mean, NO, no I really don't'

That's the last time I worry about anyone else's feelings ever again. Welcome to the new dawn of me online dating with no heart whatsoever. I'm going to be brutal. (It was suggested to me that I should have arranged to meet up with the 23 year old, not turned up and then messaged him to say 'oh you thought when I arranged to meet you that I wanted to MEET YOU? Ha ha ha, I can't believe you thought that, I so don't....' Wish I'd thought of this.)

Foreys into internet dating 2010. I don't hold out much hope but I must fill this silence whilst I am being globally ignored somehow, plus I need material for poetry....here are two very different examples of the kind of messages a girl like me gets on dating sites from men. Who should I reply to?

This is William, 41, from New York, a Christian and in the Military.

'Hello how are you today? and how about your health? hope you are doing well, My Name Is William I am looking for a very pretty woman of love, caring, honest, matured, understanding, and of good character, then after going to your profile on this site i picked interest in you, so i will like you to know you better ...I'm looking for a relationship built on trust, love, communication, andhappiness. I want to grow old with someone I understand how a true relationship supposes to work. I know that nothing is perfect but there is a right and wrong way to love someone. I am also a simple person...i will like to hear from you soon William'

And from yes-its-me, 37, from London.

'wow.........i'd eat your poop if you ordered me too.'

It's a tough call....

Today I was feeling about as attractive as a turd with a fungal infection and was keeping my head down as I attempted to find clothes that fit my small, mishapen body when a guy serving me in one shop said
'you're looking very cool today' to which I said,
'thanks' and he said again
'very cool'
so I said
'thank you' again and he said
'where are you going?'
and I said
'home'
and he burst out laughing, shaking his head like this was ridiculous, like someone who looked like me should never go home, ever.
If anyone is interested in copying my unique and very cool style I should tell you that I was wearing a faded black skirt that I recently ripped twice and haven't repaired very well and a black hoody and was carrying a primark bag. My hair is about 8 years over due for a cut and dye and my eye make up was half way down my face due to rain. I was also limping as I seem to have developed arthritis in my old age.

Which brings me on to those tediously dull articles that you sometimes get in magazines where they stop people on the street and ask them where they got their clothes from. I find this such a ridiculously uninteresting concept that I feel compelled to read all these articles very carefully, a bit like how you can't help staring a car crash as you drive by even if it happen 4 hours ago and there is nothing left to see. I think what I'm waiting to read is someone saying, 'I can't actually remember where I got this from because it's just an item of clothing and doesn't mean that much to me in the grand scheme of life and if it doesn't matter to me - the person wearing it - then by god, why does it matter to you?' I find fashion so boring and ugly at the moment that I fail to see how anyone can get excited about shopping. The look at the moment seems to be a combination of bag lady, granny and the worse bits of the 80's and the 90's all together. Everyone looks a total state. Next time you are on your local high street, count the number of girls wearing a woollen granny hat and wonder how after many years of evolution and progress and youth being the ultimately worshipped ideal, how my friends, it came to this.....

Hello world, you thought you'd never hear from me again and unfortunately you were wrong. I'm back to blog and this time it's personal. I'm now 29, as of last week. I don't really care about this much but apparently it is quite conventional and normal and in fact, highly recommended by society, the media and like, history that you should get married, get a mortgage, earn a salary in double figures and produce some babies around this time before your eggs shrivel up and die of loneliness and malfunction. In the year since I last blogged I have been concentrating hard on not doing any of these things and I think my hard work has paid off. Here's a small run down of last years events..........I watched some films, developed arthritis of the brain, joined a band, left a band, wrote some poems, did some singing in the kitchen, wrote a verse of a song, walked in the countryside, watched people cry, listened to people talk, got a certificate or two to say I could do this some more if I wanted to, wrote a journal about this, read a some books, got a different job - I am trapped, joined an online dating site by mistake, left an online dating site because it is hell on earth, I went to a castle, I went to the sea, picked up a heart shaped pebble, thought to myself 'I know just the person I should give this to', didn't give it to them, watched some gigs, watched some relationship sagas unfold in front of me, I went back onto medication, back into therapy, that didn't work out, my counsellor suggested I go salsa dancing so I sacked her and went mad, I smashed my acr up a little, I took some photos, one of which was in an exhibition recently, I hired a personal trainer but have found that I am still fat, I don't think my personal trainer understands me as a concept, I changed my diet about 86 times but have found that my skin still itches and my back still hurts, my best friend is going travelling for a couple of months next week, I am going to concentrate on my career - a bit like when your marriage ends, my career is as a professional loner. Not really, well slightly - my career is going to be me as a highly creative person who doesn't have to look after other people all the time, I am going to buy a guitar and write the next verse of my song, by 2025 I will have got to the middle 8. I have done several other things too but they aren't important.

So, hands up who forgot it was my birthday this weekend? Yep, you know who you are. Slaps wrists all round. Actually, thanks to the wonderful world of Myspace loads of people were alerted to this great event and I had complete strangers wishing me a happy birthday literally in the street because of this. Random. This year so far has been weird, I haven't posted since January cos of many things - health trouble, boy trouble, band trouble, depression trouble, lack of news trouble (although as R always says 'you ALWAYS have so many hilarious tales to tell everytime I speak to you'). I got offered a new job, I think I'm turning it down tomorrow - it would mean money and responsibility and probably a self esteem boost. I'm only little, I can't cope with these things yet. God, I'm only 28. Next they'll be expecting me to buy a house, get married and have children. F**k that.

Anyhoo, big news 2007; I joined a band or a band joined me, I don't know which it is. I haven't done any kind of music since 2001. It is weird. I realise that I am essentially really lazy. I turn up each week to band practice having done nothing inbetween and they expect me to start singing. WOAH. I have been retired for 6 years - take it easy on me. The first few weeks they found my singing off the top of my head thing amusing but you can't keep singing about rabid cocks and beans on toast forever. Oneday you need to commit to an emotional theme and actual sentences and go with it. Last week I wrote an actual verse with music and played it to my band, they sat there with their mouths open afterwards. Those 4 lines said more about my current mental state than a years psychoanalysis, I'm not sure they were ready for it. A bit like bringing your therapist on your second date to fill your new boyfriend in on your general issues. A bit like that second date also being at the colonic irrigation clinic. Oh well, maybe they just couldn't believe how shit I am at playing the guitar. Probably the latter. I love my new bandmates tho - they rule. We all have vaginas - it's going to be brilliant, if I can just write a second verse.