I'm trying to decide whether to apply for a job or not. The deadline for applications is tomorrow and I haven't got a decent CV since my last computer blew up so I'd better hurry up and decide. Only I can't cos I really just want to live in a hole and do nothing. I'm so crap. I need to get out of retail at some point in my life though, and that point had better be within the next 4 seconds cos I'm tired of feeling shit all the time. On Thursday an old woman I was being helpful to called me a cheeky cow, on Friday and Saturday a woman yelled at me for about an hour about a furniture order that was nothing to do with me and then the owner of the shop told me he thought that things had been stolen under my supervision (which was entirely wrong as I could account for everything he listed as missing). Then today the PDQ systems went down. Tomorrow is my last day in charge and I'm going to rejoice by getting another job. That'll teach them. Except I just want to not work anywhere and be left alone really, I'm not cut out for work. I'm crap. The only good thing about work is that it fills the day and stops you thinking so much about stuff, although on the downside things that happen at work can often make the things you don't want to think about a whole lot worse. It's a catch twenty two.

On a brighter note, Phill has printed up the first part of the amazing and epic in-the-back-of-my-car MC Lars interview from Truck. It's unedited down to the very last sneeze. There is also the part where MC Lars gets my back seat wet but lets not go into that in too much detail! Read it here!!

In honour of Phill's Birthday, which is today (happy birthday Phill!) I thought I'd share with you all this stunning picture I took of him earlier this year. It brings a tear to my (third) eye just looking at it. Sniff. 

Ray's shed, where many a book was written. Now locked. 

In Jo's new house in Banbury. 

I took this last Tuesday in Leicester's Botanical Gardens, it was apt at the time but it doesn't feel so relevant now. 

Angel Gateway - I thought heaven would be prettier than this.... 

Yesterday my chiropractor told me that my nose has issues. She's just started this new cranial-osteoblurgy-something type treatment on me which apparently unlocks your bodies' secret history and helps you release past hurt. Apparently your body parts store all the times they've been hurt in a kind of individual body part memory database. Each bone having it's own history of pain and mistreatment. This concept exhausts me (I mean think about it - each sodding bone suffering individually and needing help? And that's before you even get to the brain?! Kill me now. Life is hard enough) but I am prepared to accept that my nose has major issues, I mean - join the freakin club, matey. Actually my nose is probably aware that I don't see eye to eye with it at the best of times. I can't, for instance, understand why it has to be allergic to literally everything and it probably still resents me for cruelly piercing it when I was 16. Anyway, after 10 minutes of squeezing it and doing various things which hurt a lot, she thinks she may have unblocked something and today I've decided that perhaps me and my nose should go back to councelling cos things can't go on being unresolved forever can they? Time to crack open the emergency therapy piggy bank again and prepare to reveal to yet another complete stranger with no actual answers just how dysfunctional I really am. Can't wait.

Little devil... 

Hello from Leicester! I'm having a rare change of scene and going back to my (university) roots. If anyone else happens to be in Leicester city centre tomorrow about midday you may see me photographinga peace protest that happens every couple of weeks there called Women In Black. Nothing to do with goths more to do with war-related innocent deaths, at least I've got the clothes for it! See you soon...

Oh yeah, Phill told me today that MC Lars said that I rock! This rocks cos he rocks and now I rock, everything rocks. I OFFICIALLY ROCK! I love MC Lars he is such a dude! I'll shut up now. (Did I mention I love him? Right.)

I'm coming out of a black hole and it's fucking great! I can't believe this is what you normal people feel like all the time! You're SO LUCKY. I'm practically dancing and I'm not on drugs. Thanks to everyone who was concerned recently when my blog took a sudden turn for the worse and everything was a little bleak. Well fear not, it's going to be sweetness and light from now on. la la la. Kittens. la la la. Satan. la la la. satan's kitten club. Give me an 'S', give me an 'A' give me a...that reminds me - there are actually some Satanic cheerleaders on the web somewhere, I remember them from way back in the days of Satan's Playground (RIP). Let me go find a link for you lovely people....Satan's Cheerleaders. There you are! Don't know what they're up to these days.

What have I been doing this weekend? Glad you asked cos I went to a truly abysmal wedding on Saturday, where i sat on a balcony way above the miserable congregation (which mostly held all of the bride and groom's children!) all by myself and cried. I cried because one of the hymns reminded me of when i was at primary school and i loved singing hymns even though I had no religious upbringing because i just loved to sing. Something about remembering that happiness and youthful innocence made me feel so sad, also it was quite lonely up among the cobwebs and the couple had all the same hymns and readings at the other 140 weddings we've photographed this year so it was probably sheer boredom really. Then I went to a house party which even though everyone was very nice and nothing awful happened and there was even a damn good freestyling mc stand off to watch, I still felt like I shouldn't be there and wanted to escape. But this was because I was in a black hole and I'm not there anymore, it's all ok! I could go to ten house parties all at once now and probably dance on the tables and mc myself. Actually it's probably best I don't ever attempt to mc. Shudder. I'm cringing at the thought.

Hope you all are well. xxx

I saw Rosie last night, which made me feel nice cos she lives so far away and I miss her. And here is a lovely picture from her birthday last month which makes me feel nice too.  

That woman, who shall remain nameless because I don't want any more traffic getting through to my site of people searching for her naked, was in my shop again today. With a small child that is obviously her offspring, which makes it even sicker that you freaks continue to pursue her like this. Let it go, just because she is a brain box doesn't mean she has no life and will want to sleep with you all. Some people have standards, as R always says to me. She says, 'Katy, the reason you haven't got a boyfriend and don't sleep around is because YOU HAVE STANDARDS'. It's like a bloody disease I tell you, once people sense you have standards they don't come near you. Anyway, this is just the sort of statement designed to make you feel better about being single. I don't have standards, I don't have anything, I am an open book. I have nothing to compare anyone to really apart from utter devastation, horrendous mistreatment and rejection, so there's a good chance that most people will come off better with that in mind. AD says to me today at work...'so how come you don't have a boyfriend?' me, 'because it wouldn't match my outfit, because it's a luxury item and not a necessity and if I have to take the Bible and the Complete Works of Shakespeare then I'd like my luxury item to be chocolate, because the world is round, because there isn't a man gay enough, because I'm actually a badger disguised as a woman...'but she's not interested in my witticisms, she's waiting for me to admit it's all my fault and I'm going about everything the wrong way. She says, 'what are you doing wrong? Are you going to the wrong places?' and I'm like, 'there's are places?' and AD says, 'where do you go?' and I think, 'where do I go?...Well in between stays at the local asylum, I hang out in cemeteries, cattle markets, old people's homes, local records offices, dental surgeries...'I mean where is the wrong place to go?! People are everywhere. That is not the problem, meeting people is not the problem - I meet at least 150 people everyday in the shop. The problem is they don't meet me. I don't register on anyone's rictar scale. Actually the main problem is I have just spent the last two weeks agonizing over something I shouldn't have, over someone who once was awful to me who apparently is in great emotional pain. The problem is I want to help them. The problem with that is it makes me a dickhead. The other problem with this is, if I help them it will involve talking to them and this will involve me probably having a nervous breakdown as I revisit the past. This is the problem. The problem is this prevented me from noticing that apparently some guy 'definitely fancied me' today in the shop when I served him. According to K an D, who were watching 'he went all twinkly', I think it was probably just the new shop lights we've had fitted but I have no idea what has been going on recently. People have been talking in corners and having secret meetings and I'm on my own, thinking 'I served a man?...Was that before or after I nearly took my own life with the pricing gun?' Today two men lying on the grass in the park looked up at me with real distaste and scorn as I walked past them. I am reading a book called 'When I was Five I Killed Myself' by Howard Buton. I've left it in the office at work by mistake, I think this will make my manager say odd things about me.

The point is, there is no point. There is no logic, or reason for the way things are, you don't get what you deserve, and things are just the way they are. For no apparent reason. I need to go to bed now.

Warning: this cat is alarmed. 

Lonely as a solitary balloon on a summer's evening... 

Tonight I nearly got crushed to death under Ricahrd Branson's big red balloon. Sadly, it managed to regain altitude just before impact. Sigh. What's a girl got to do to get brutally squished these days?! 

Oh god, I've been trying to blog all week but I can't be funny and light hearted and give you a link to a website about kittens or cock rock like normal cos I have been lying in a ditch somewhere on the depression bypass, next to confusion junction with a map of the past and a return ticket to a destructive relationship of pain in my pocket and no bus due for decades. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. So I will do nothing. And wish this was a film with plot progression and reasons for events and a conclusion at some point. But this is life and there is just randomness, injustice, lost people and crap. I know this doesn't explain anything but there you have it. I'm sorry if I am neglecting you.

Oh one thing though, I was in Kerrang today. In the feature on Truck, I'm taking a picture in the crowd of Winnebago Deal. Wow. Fame at last. Now I can die happy.