Wanna pick up a goth or two for friendship or 'other'? (And let's face it, who doesn't?................ok, so it's just me) Then check out the ultimate alternative dating service, facewhore! Although be sure, if this link doesn't work and you search for it on google not to get confused and search for whoreface, as this leads you down an entirely different and less (although not much less it has to be said) wholesome path altogether as I discovered the other day... I won't make that mistake three times, I can tell you. Also be sure to search for those over the age of 18 cos there are loads of teenagers on there which is slightly worrying if you aren't trying to get arrested for peodophilia and I think should probably be monitered a bit more closely. My favourite name for a member so far is 'Oh My Goth!' - he's worth checking out. Also, there is a a guy who moulds himself on Ville Valo down to the very last smoke ring and some stupid girls in their pants on all fours really exploiting themsleves for no reason. Ah, I love the smell of desperation early in the morning. Truely excellent viewing.

My Sweet 666
Hey, nobody move! A momentous Satanic event has just occured. This blog has reached 666 hits! Fantastic, thank you everyone who has made this possible etc etc. However, I think that the last hit being me is not merely a coincidence.....more proof as to my real identity should any of you mere mortals doubt it! I swear oneday the men in white coats may read this blog and then come and get me on the grounds that I appear to think I'm actually the devil and also that I'm married to people I'm not and am generally bonkers. I'd like to clear all this up now. I am Satan, I am married to Ville Valo and I can move objects with the power of my mind. For example, the other day,
my brother: 'Katy, you've been sitting motionless, staring at your desk for 20 minutes now - is something wrong?'
me: 'shut up, I'm concentrating - I'm trying to move that pen with the power of my mind'
my brother: (picks up pen) 'what, this one?'
me: 'it worked! I have the force!'
It's me and Silent Bob against the world!

Sigh. Erg, LIFE. But looking on the bright side..........um.....er...nope, can't do it. Although seeing that the Pansy Division are playing the Zodiac next month made me smile for a split second when I found out earlier. Fabulous. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, LIFE...sigh. Honestly, you wouldn't believe mine, even if you had scientific proof and a letter of authenticity from God.

Is it just me or is it hot in here? Well it's definitely not me so it must be the dvd section of HIM's greatest hits cd that came out today And Love Said No making me have a hot flush! Somebody pass me Victoria Falls, I need to cool off a moment. Phew. But back to reality - god, I'm so depressed. I have a really runny cold. This morning on the bus into work, I completely lost control of my nose whilst reading my book Don't Sleep With Your Drummer, which by the way is completely marvelous and could've been written by me the events were so familiar. In fact did I write it? I may have forgotten. No, psychics GCSE I have forgotten, pleasures of the flesh I have forgotten, the first time I took drugs I have forgotten, the sweet smell of success I have forgotten, the phone number of my psychotherapist I have forgotten, I have forgotten lots of things but writing and publishing a truly hilarious book about being a rock goddess - I'm more or less 99.7 % sure I'd have remembered that, plus the name on the book cover is not mine which gives the game away slightly. But I digress, where was I? Oh yes, my uncontrollable nose (my new bandname, it's certainly up there with Spooky rhinoceros). There I was head down, reading aforementioned book when suddenly the words on the page became very blurred and wrinkly and my face felt decidedly wetter than when I'd first got on the bus. 'Ok, who turned on the sprinkler system?' I demanded to the bus, 'there is no fire!' To which the really attractive guy next to me said, 'no, but there has been an explosion of sorts' and passed me a Kleenex. It's a good job I have no pride or self-respect or that could've been really embarrassing. Bloody annoying though - I mean, is it not enough that for most of the warmer months of the year I have to be ridden by allergies and breathing restrictive conditions? I need some months off a year from keeping the tissue industry in business. Please. Is there a god of noses? I need to do a dry nose dance. And they say, men complain about colds more than women. This may be true but the entire male population of the world couldn't compete with me right now. It's the injustice of having dust/pollen allergies and then a cold on top of that, I can't take. I need a lawyer and I need one NOW. The other comic/tragic thing that happened to me this weekend was that I went out for my birthday and no one turned up. Literally no one at all. Not even people that I hadn't invited but who normally go to the pub anyway. The place was like a ghost town in the wild west - complete with tumbleweeds and a guy chewing a piece of hay. I got an uncontrollable attack of the giggles after half an hour of sitting in complete emptiness and silence and had to be carried home on a stretcher by paramedics. I really, really, really, really, really, really don't know what has happened to my life. If anyone has a spare one they can lend me then you know, get in touch.

On a slightly lighter note, I saw Thom Yorke outside my shop today, pushing his baby along in a buggy. He gave me a strange look as per usual (perhaps my uncontrollable nose was playing up). He does this a lot, it's a look like he recognizes me but can't work out where from and then he remembers and is horrified, only this time I have come to the conclusion that this is the ONLY look he has and I'm not going to keep on taking this personally - he has after all got a really odd face and probably can't help it. Anyway, me and Kate were thinking of ways I could get back at him for always looking at me funny and decided that next time I see him to go up to him really excited and do one of two things. The first involves either squealing, 'oh my god, oh my god, it's YOU isn't it? I can't believe it, you're that guy!' and as he recoils in horror as everyone knows he is prone to do when recognized in public, say, 'you're the brother of Andy from the Unbelievable Truth aren't you?! Wow, I love them etc etc' or stopping him and saying 'hey - weren't you in the band that supported The Rock of Travolta at South Parks two years ago? How's it going? Managed to get a deal yet?' And the second is to develop a really bad nervous twitch in one eye and as I approach him start making small yelping sounds to the tune of Creep and pretending to lose control of my arms. Ha, That ought to do it. Although, what exactly I'm not sure.

Hey, look at the snow! And it came the day after I bought a new camera - excellent timing. Here's a flower in the snow in my garden and here's the field leading to the wood behind my house!! Sadly, I don't think I can stay off work all day because of it as my boss says the main roads are clear into Oxford. Bugger. I'm taking a few hours off though to take pictures. Us skivers, I mean artistic types make our own rules you know....is anyone else snowed in?

Anyone like the Winnebago Deal? Phill has just had an interview he did with them published on cool website, Do Something Pretty check it out.

Hello kittens. It's not my birthday anymore and it passed with barely an event to mention, unless you count the fact that one of the vets that used to be on BBC tv programme 'Vets In Practice' was in my shop - as you can imagine, we were beside ourselves with excitement about this....Nevermind, one day I'll have an exciting birthday. At least I got a card from someone I thought I'd lost contact with who I miss dearly and a computer game where you adopt kittens and have to look after them everyday. It's very sweet. Plus the Courtney and Melissa albums which I'm forming an opinion on as we speak and Straight To Hell, a deranged punk-western with Courtney Love and Joe Strummer in from 1987, which was made by Alex Cox, director of Sid and Nancy and was Courtney's first leading role. I also got the recently transalated Italian book by Tommaso Pincio, Love-Shaped Story which is the fictional life invented by the author for Kurt Cobain's imaginary friend Boddah, who Kurt addressed his suicide note to. Sounds like fascinating stuff, can't wait to read it. Thanks for your birthday messages by the way. So far today I have been evaluating my life on the basis that i have reached 25, a milestone age and I still exist. It truely is a miracle. I came to the conclusion that whilst I have been waiting for my life to start for most of my teens and early twenties - it has actually started without me realising and this is it. Bugger. 25 - Shop Assistant, broke, living in a field in southern England. Not great. Oh well. Perhaps my late twenties will be the years of my life. I remembered yesterday that a psychic told me 3 years ago that I was going to get married when I was 26!!! That's a year now to meet someone, form a lasting relationship, fall in love and completely change my views on marriage. Phew. I am gonig to be busy this year. I'd better stop writing right now and get out there!

As I'm sure I don't need to tell you all, it's my birthday tomorrow (what do you mean, you didn't know and who gives a f**k?!...) Yes, my humble minions, your very own Satanic web publisher is turning a quater of a century (NOT 30 - thanks for that guess the other night, Ady Randell. And not 19 - thanks for that guess, woman in the pharmacy section of Boots. Really thank you, you made my day. I'm considering laying off the eye liner permantly now) I'm sure you 've all got me loads of presents already but just in case you are struggling on the final 17, here are a few websites that may proove helpful....

Thorntons.co.uk
Kittensforsale.org
Gothic.uk.com
Go on, you know you love me and I deserve it...
Gothic jumblesale

(By the way, that last link is not so much an online shop as a very funny online article about some goths having a jumble sale. Tres amusing. )

Ok, so now you have a few ideas you should have no problems coming up with the goods. Obviously you can't all get me the camera so just decide amoungst yourselves who's going to buy it - no biting and spitting now. My address, should you need it can be emailed to you. All flowers should be black, purple or blue and delivered to my work between the hours of 9.30 - 5.30 - Sylvester, 22-24 little Clarendon St, Oxford - with the message in large writing for all to see 'Katy, you have changed my life, I cannot thank you enough for existing, happy birthday, I love you, your fan (insert name here)'. Oh and I don't like chocolates with alcohol in and will accept vouchers and money instead of actual goods.....Voila. Similarly, if anyone would like to take me out for my birthday on some exiciting adventure then join the queue in my inbox and I'll try to get back to you asap.

I now understand the significance of Tigra's 'fruit salad, fruit salad' message! Check this guy out! homestarrunner

This is the cutest thing ever! The song that goes with it rules too but is that Robin from Goldrush singing it?!

Sleepy Kittens

Hello minions! I'm sorry I haven't posted a message in a while. I know for some of you dear reader(s) this weblog is the only light in an otherwise joyless life of drudgery, pain and bad humour (or is that just me?) so I hope you haven't been too miserable at having to stare at the same Patti Smith message for a week! I hope you are still with me and I haven't lost you all to apathy. Actually I know you are still with me because exciting things have been happening - the identity of my stalker has been revealed (I know a lot of you were desperate to know)and I am currently deciding what sordid punishment to give him....also my pesky husband, Ville Valo, has been onto the site again and seems to want some attention. Sigh. It's almost as if the 17 hours a day I give him of filthy sex is not enough and he wants, like - an actual conversation or something tiresome like that with me. Honestly, marriage is so hard....

Anyway I have to say hello to someone and she is a lovely girl in America called Tracey who I know is a regular reader of this board but is too shy to say hello. Hi Tracey! Leave me a message oneday, go on - be brave!

Also I just wanted to say, if you don't hear from me again after today blame Phill. He is sending me to a cemetary in the nether regions of Oxfordshire tomorrow on a photography mission for him. There I am meeting a man I know very little about who may kill me and bury me under the alter of the church (here's hoping). Or he may just let me take some photos of his sculptures and let me walk away unharmed. It could go either way. I'll let you all know how it goes. Also, let me know what you have all been up to this past week!

It's official: Men Will Shag Anything!! (copyright Satan, 2004). This is something that is joked about all the time but I now have actual proof that this is the case (and no, the reason why I know this is not because I just got lucky this weekend. Sigh. Very funny, yes. Good one, haha, let's get that out of our systems right now, ok? Then I'll continue...) Here is an actual conversation that occured a few days ago between my straight friend Rosie and my gay friend Eric which prooves the point.

Hetero Rosie: "blah blah blah, Alison from work, blah blah blah (she wasn't waffling, this is actually how she talks)"
Big Old Bender Eric: "oooooooooooo, Abbie, she's gorgeous!"
Rosie (straighter than a pole in the arctic): (slightly surprized by his outburst) "Well, um...I hadn't really noticed..."
Eric (gayer than a night in San francisco): (really excited) "God yeah, I totally would - I mean, wouldn't you? I mean, fuck - I really fancy her."
Rosie (I shag men): "You'd sleep with her?!"
Eric (I shag men): "God yeah!"
Rosie (I don't shag women): "Well, that's beautiful Eric but there's just one thing troubling me about this sudden desire...YOU'RE GAY!!!"
Eric (I apparently do shag women now): "Yes, but I'm still A MAN!"

Well, that's settles that then. Let no one be in any confusion ever again.