For my birthday my best friend, Rosie bought me a subscription to a famous dating site that you have to pay actual real life money for. And blow me down, someone on this site wants to meet me in actual real life. YIKES. Help. So wasn't prepared for that. What happened to the rejection or sexual perversion? Usual occurrence fail! This guy is 35, bald, normal looking and makes science books for schools. He does seem nice though. And he once ran in front of a car to save a squirrel so you know, that pretty much means my hands are tied. I have to meet him.

However, over on the free dating site with the perverts and the arty types I am chatting to several people; a 20 yr old guy studying animation at Birmingham uni who says 'lol' after every sentence and claims he just wants to make new friends (this isn't my experience of 20 yr olds so I'll fill you in), a guy with a thick neck and tattoos who winked at me, a guy who has a pug in his profile pic but isn't appealing in any other way apart from his dog and the actual only one I'm interested in - a beautiful fragile looking Portuguese man in London who sent me a poem and draws and photographs. I have a nasty feeling, he is 'my type' - ie) he's a self-obsessed and screwed up artist, I will fall hopelessly in love with him and it will all end in PAIN. Can't wait.

Panda Boy flees & flatulence will get you no where

OK, so I continue to have no luck whatsoever on the dating site front and because I no longer partake in self mutilation, it has occurred to me that maybe I am fulfilling a self-torture need by staying on these sites to be rejected more. Whatever, it passes the time whilst the real person I am interested in ignores me.

I was chatting quite nicely with one guy who I will refer to as Panda Boy on account of the fact he is wearing a t-shirt with a panda on in his profile pic which is why I contacted him and because we had a running innuendo going about male pandas and their bamboo. He seemed nice and funny and kinda self-deprecating which is always appealing to me. It was all going along pleasantly until I realised that he hadn't actually said anything particularly romantic or suggestive to me, we were just making jokes about pandas back and forth. I thought I'd step it up a notch when he complained about no one fancying him by saying that he shouldn't worry cos he was cute. Suddenly the messages stopped and a day or so later I got one of those awful 'letting you down gently' messages about how he had just seen his ex in the street and he had decided he was still messed up and shouldn't pursue another relationship until he was sorted out etc etc.

The intense terror at what I may have been suggesting by my innocent compliment is sadly familiar to me. It is not the first time I have been dumped by someone I wasn't asking out or involved with. I emailed him back to tell him I think it's always a great idea to do work on yourself in counselling so that you don't take the same baggage and patterns into your next relationship and screw the next person up. He sent me back a cartoon of a lion. After this you would presume that he would delete his account and go off to analysis but of course, it was all total bullshit based on him not wanting to be involved with me personally cos he's still online and still available. Maybe in a few months I'll email him and ask him how his self growth is going and whether the intense work he did on himself in therapy was effective...

On the plus side, I did get this message today from a 40 year old in Oxford:

'Hi, I hope you don't mind me asking i have an unusual question.....my intention isn't to offend I'm just curious what you'd do. If you was really attracted to a guy really liked him but he told you he was submissive........and asked you to sit on his face and break wind would you do it?'

Someone kill me.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/fdad05b8c7/2-girls-1-cup-song-from-jon-lajoie?rel=player

Hey, the poop guy's gone but I did see this video which has reminded me of the wonderful moments we spent together. xx