This is a picture of me last Saturday taken by Squib. I am playing with my new camera outside the barn containing his entire family who were celebrating his cousin's commitment to her partner. The light was amazing that night. I love this picture, which is truly a miracle cos I'm in it! 

Well I've become addicted to sex blogs. Sex blogs are other people's accounts of their sex lives often written by people in the sex industry. They are fascinating but I have come to the conclusion from reading them that I don't write about sex enough and this is obviously what people like to read about so I've decided to start today.......I didn't have sex today. With anyone. Not a vegan sausage. So I'm not sure I'm quite up to the challenge really. Plus my brother reads this blog and I'm sure he'd rather not know about it if I did so there goes that idea.

But I will tell you about the problem I've had for a while now where people feel the need to come and have sex next to me in parks and at bus stops and generally everywhere. You will notice from my 'I almost got killed last Tuesday' blog post that at the time a couple were having sex next to me in the bus shelter. This is not an uncommon occurrence and the second time that day it had happened. On my lunchbreak that afternoon I had been sitting under a tree in a deserted park reading, when a couple decided that the perfect place to consummate their relationship was right beside me, the only other person in the place. I, of course, was honoured, as you would be. Does anyone else have this problem? Perhaps I am a human aphrodisiac. Perhaps I am invisible. Actually I have evidence that I am - on Sunday outside my shop there was a small production company filming a short independent film entitled, 'Anyone For Coffee' or something along those lines. All day a woman with a clipboard from the company had been walking up and down the street trying to entice passers by into posing as extras. At one point she came into the shop and managed to get the other two shop assistants, C and Z to do it. I couldn't because I was serving someone at the time in the other room, the first I heard about it was when C and Z shouted through to me, 'you'll be alright on your own for a few minutes won't you Katy? We're just off to be in a film!' Y'know, as you do. They were gone for what felt like hours, during that time a couple came into the shop and proceeded to buy everything from the kitchen section so when C and Z came back there I was maniacally wrapping 200 plates, bowls and mugs and crying into the bubblewrap. 'I've got a drama degree, y'know' I sobbed to the couple buying the entire shop, 'I even queued for 2 hours to be an extra on Remains of the Day once when I was 14 only to get fed up and leave before I got the front of the queue - I'm the one who should be out there instead of them, they're young, they have their whole lives ahead of them, for me, I fear it may already be too late!', to which the woman in the couple leaned over the counter sympathetically and said, 'I hope you've taken the prices off those plates you've wrapped'. C And Z were very apologetic when they came back in and said, 'go out there, Katy - they still need people!' So I went and stood outside the shop and smiled at the woman with the clipboard everytime she walked past but she ignored me and carried on asking other passers by. So yes, I suppose I wouldn't be the perfect extra what with actually being invisible to the human eye and all. But at least I know I'm here and you lovely anonymous people I don't even know, know I'm here. Perhaps this will have to do.

Had a difficult night last night, depression, hayfever and sleep-wise but Squib gave me a link that really put a smile on my face this morning. It's lovely, if you need cheering up, turn on your computer speakers and check this kitten out! Laughing Kitten.

Hey, check out Girl With A One Track Mind. It's the sexual/masturbatory exploits of a very funny lady and I want you all to read it and marvel at the sheer stamina of the girl. A refreshingly open account of the female sex drive.

P J Harvey live at Glastonbury right now!!

I am horrified by the sheer amount of traffic I am getting through to this site of people searching for Countdown's Susie Dent naked or engaging in lesbian pursuits. You are all sick little puppies and I feel very sorry for you all. I have only mentioned SD once on here and that was in reference to her being in my shop and not being naked and not partaking in any girl on girl action. So to put an end to this now I have decided to give you what you want so that you will go away and leave me alone. Here for your sexually frustrated eyes only, is Susie Dent naked. Now bugger off.

Hello kittens, in a bizarre twist of fate and life giving you what you want for a change - I was almost run over today. Actually 'ploughed down' is probably more the phrase. I had just limped tiredly through yet another excruciating day in hell (retail) where the only highlight was Kate and I agreeing that even if you have forgotten all your favourite childhood stories, song lyrics, poems and indeed everything you have learnt at school/university/your whole life ever, the one thing that will always remain imprinted on your brain till the day you die is all the words to the theme song from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Kate could even do a pretty nifty impression of Will Smith getting out of the taxi in the opening sequence and dancing up to the front door of his new house. This is possibly the most profound realization that you can ever have whilst working in a dead-end soul destroying job like shop work. Perhaps it is actually the most profound thing you can realize full stop wherever you are - but come on, I know you all know it...'Now this is a story all about how...' go on, you know you want to. Then, I had a conversation, an actual exchange of thoughts, with a woman about how important it is to really like the drinking glasses you own. She got quite emotional about the subject, saying she only buys one drinking glass at a time so that she can take it home and try it out before she buys any duplicate copies - she bought a purple glass after much deliberation and a few tears later. After this conversation and helping a 50 year old woman chose a card for her boyfriend of 4 months that was affectionate without being too soppy because she didn't want to scare him off, I was feeling a strong need to go and lie down in the middle of a motorway. How could my life have come to this? I thought. Then some one asked me to gift wrap a pencil and my will to live was gone, vanished into the cosmos. I left work and was sitting at the bus stop next to a couple having sex, it was beginning to rain, I was only wearing a t shirt. The bus was late, the traffic was bad, it's TUESDAY, my all time worst day, when I look up and a lorry is careering out of control towards me all over the road, smoke billowing from it's tyres! Everyone on the pavement screamed and leapt from the bus shelter. A man next to me said something religious, terrified pedestrians and onlookers ran for cover. 'Oh,' I thought as I calmly remained seated at the bus shelter, 'there would appear to be someone listening to my thoughts and willing to grant me my heart's desire, how fucking typical that they weren't listening all those times I was wishing for a new camera/record contract/marriage proposal from Ville Valo' but beggars can't be choosers, so I closed my eyes and waited to meet my maker but it didn't happen because at the very last minute, the driver regained control of his lorry and the vehicle screeched to a halt right next to me on the pavement. I'm still alive, I live to blog another day. No one was listening after all, so let that be a lesson to us all - there is no such thing as an easy way out....

Mist in the valley - view from my attic window this evening.  

Ok, people are often asking me, 'Katy - what does your pussy look like?' or 'I'd really like to see your pussy sometime, Katy' and then when they do, 'wow, what a cute pussy, can I touch it?' So to put an end to this constant harrassment, here is a picture of my pussy on the edge of a table looking slightly evil. I hope this satisfys you all. Great bushy whiskers, I'm sure you'll agree... 

So HIM are touring the UK this October...This is obviously exciting news but I have been slowly trying to ween myself down to a healthy level of obsession about them over the last few months and you may have noticed the affect this has had on my posts, ie) I haven't mentioned the band in a while. And as you will notice I'm being quite blase about this post. I haven't even gone into one of my misguided, delusional fantasies about Ville Valo being my husband. In short, I think I am being entirely normal about the whole thing. Which is good and as it should be, I am after all a grown woman who should know better and not be getting like this about bands anymore. I mean, let's be realistic here - they aren't Take That, this isn't 1993, I'm not 14 anymore. So this is very nice for everyone and no injections of sedatives will need to be administered at any point. Here are the dates of the tour and more info. Him UK Tour info October 2004 Lovely. Ok, now that's over with I'm just going to potter off and have a nice lie down as the process of showing such restraint has exhausted me...........................................................................................................


I LOVE YOU, VILLE!

Damn, I was doing so well....nurse! 50,000g of diazepam fast as you can.

I found an interesting site called Football Poets (swapping shirts with Shakespeare you know!) today. This is my favourite poem on it so far, it's by an 11 year old girl. She'll go far, in my eyes! I Hate Football. Lovely stuff.

ok, forget the football. This is the truly exciting event of the day...a lost scene from Lord of the Rings has been discovered! Prepare for the darkest meeting of an enemy force you'll ever see on film! LOTR - lost scene

Last night Will, Squib and I took on an entire pub at Table Football, and most people lost. I had an epithany when I discovered that I was actually ok at it. This has rendered me speechless all day today...I've never been good at sport before!?!  

It's all in the wrist. 

Close observation: Will thinks most of Katy's wooden players may be on steroids.  

I hate giving birth at night anyway. 

She laughs in disbelief, firstly to be participating in a competitive sport and secondly to be not doing too badly at all at it. Will captures this rarity on film. 

Katy scores again. Just another Friday night then. (Why are you laughing?) 

Well if there's one thing I love, it's badgers dancing and if there's one thing that everyone else loves except me, then it's football. Now apparently there's some big football event type thing happening soon, so I'm going to do something I wouldn't normally do....I'm going to give you a link to something called Footy. And the reason I'm doing this is nothing to do with the fact that I think it's understandable to get really excited about various sets of 11 men running around a square patch of grass kicking a ball to one another - it's because this cartoon is by the team behind the seminal 'badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM, SNAKE OOOOh SNAKE OOOh...etc' that old readers from my Satan's Playground Popex days will remember with love! If you feel alienated by football hysteria too, please don't be put off - it still has dancing badgers and snakes in it! If you do like football and you also like badgers, well what can I say - all your Christmases and birthdays have come at once, as they say! Enjoy.

Suicidal feline: Minou contemplates throwing herself in.... 

I have been trying to decide who to vote for in the local and european elections tomorrow and I would just like to say that The Conservatives are not doing themselves any favours with their most recent advertising strategy. Today as I was driving through a quiet village near where I live I was pratically run off the road by the local Conservative party in a pink double decker bus! No, I'm wasn't hallucinating, it wasn't Oxford Gay and Lesbian society's summer picnic, it really was the Conservatives. I could tell because there were big 'SAY NO TO EUROPE' signs on it and as they saw me coming some excitable party reps on the top deck (who looked dangerously young, even school age - where did they get them from? Conservative children's sweat shops? Snatched from thir parents and brought up by Conservative Mps to live the Conservative dream?) started screaming through microphones and waving banners. I couldn't quite hear what they said because I was so alarmed that I had lost control of my car and was veering off into a ditch but I'm guessing it was something along the lines of, 'we're zenophobic bastards who are scared of everyone who isn't like us and want to be isolated from the rest of humanity please', either that or, 'please help us, we've been kidnapped from our primary school and we want to go home! They're making us go on Fox Hunts and BNP marches every weekend!'. I am wondering what The Conservative's policy on punishment for dangerous driving is or truancy, perhaps I'll ask the next person that comes round canvassing. Anyway, needless to say, their campaign approach has not worked, being screamed at from a bus has never been one of the best ways to gain people's approval, as many a bus driver will tell you.

During a band shoot today - Tom, guitarist with Smilex lays to rest all those internet rumours. 

There is a French traffic warden that comes into the shop sometimes he always chats but today I talked to him for about an hour and found out many things. Here is a list of them: 1) He has just been on a date but finds that 2) people love his dog but they don't love him so 3) he hasn't had a partner for 10 years and 4) his last partner died 5) he thinks the date went well 6) which is good because he is lonely and has just won a competition on Classic FM of a round-the-world cruise for two people and has no one to take 7) the Frisbee he bought in our shop (the hilariously named 'Power Ring') is not suitable for dogs, 8) his dog ate it 9) he does actually feed his dog which is not a rotweiller, it's a black collie cross, so that's not why the dog ate the Power Ring, 10) he doesn't like horror films but thought that Return of the Living Dead was very funny 11) he wears a shirt and tie all the time even on his days off and 12) as a result people think he is older than he is, he guesses that I am 13) 25 - 30 because of the way I dress 14) I am throwing that cardigan away and dying my hair tomorrow, I'm only 25 but I did have really bad hayfever and am bloody knackered today so that can't have helped matters, 15) his date was with a policeman, they met when he put a ticket on his car, 16) he doesn't enjoy lesbian porn, not surprisingly because he is 17) a gay man (he didn't actually need to come out to me, I had realised this a few months back when he asked me if Rob liked it up the chocolate highway, I told him that the last time I tried I didn't get a good response) although he doesn't believe in sexuality because 18) he has lots of straight male friends who like to be 'fucked' by men (at this point, an elderly woman in the queue behind him has a coughing fit and some people leave, he doesn't notice which is why he rules.) He asks me what pornography I like, I tell him I like the Finnish Goth Band Lead Singer variety, he says he hasn't come across this kind before, I say it's a good job as this often affects the quality of the picture and sound. He says I obviously know what I'm talking about, my manager asks me if I don't mind and if it wouldn't interrupt my new career as a pornography-adviser for gay men too much to bloody well serve a few customers, so I do. Back at 'the most interesting conversation you can have with a traffic warden'(TM) a few moments later I ask him if he thinks your sexuality is genetically predisposed or whether it's a matter of choice, he controversially says you choose your sexuality. We consider this then he tells me that 20) all gay men wear black, I say that this is because it is the best colour. He agrees. 21) He tells me that when Classic FM rang him to tell him he had won the competition he was in the middle of a bloke having a massive go at him for giving him a parking ticket. He had no idea it was classic FM calling or that he was live on air at the time so asked if they wouldn't mind holding for a minute, the next thing the listeners would've heard was a man shouting, 'you fucking bastard! etc etc' at him for about 2 minutes. Apparently the DJ told him he did a sterling job when he finally got back to the phone call! I tell him I have a confession to make - I once tried to run over a traffic warden who gave me a parking fine, he says he forgives me. After he has left, I feel free of the guilt I have been carrying around for quite a few years, but I have to say the one I tried to run over deserved it and wasn't nice like my guy. I really hope that he finds someone to go on that cruise with him, it's a shame he can't take his dog really.

I have a new mobile. It's so high tech that when it rings I think a ghost has turned on my cd player. Today I amused myself greatly by almost downloading 'Living On A Prayer' by Bon Jovi for my new ringtone. The version I found sounded like it was being played on a hammond organ which added to the massive hilarosity. (Un)fortunately the chortle factor of this soon wore off as it dawned on me that after I had downloaded 'Living On A Prayer' by Bon Jovi for my phone then 'Living On A Prayer' by Bon Jovi would ACTUALLY BE MY RINGTONE - elacks! And then it was not so funny anymore and I put the curser down and stepped away from the 'click here to download' box (metorphorically speaking of course, I mean I wasn't literally pressed up against the screen or anything). I think I've learned something today.

So now I have caught up with the rest of the world and have a photo blog. How bloody marvelous. First example below is from the stunning PJ Harvey gig last week, I didn't want to blind the great lady with my epilepsy-inducing flash so I used every other function possible to capture her. This one sees her running for the exit before fans could attempt to maul her and get a piece of her pink tights for their bedroom walls. Ok, that was just Phill...

PJ Harvey, Oxford Zodiac 26th May 2004.